A few days ago, one of my contacts on Facebook posted a generic bucket list, which people were invited to check depending on what they did. My friend John was quick to remark to me that it was a pretty generic one, and suggested we write our own.

So here’s mine.

Done

Visit Asia
Stand on the Great Wall of China
Visit Europe
Visit Scotland
Visit Eastern Europe
See the Rockies
Eat sushi in a fishing village in Japan
Eat Kobe beef
Learn a foreign language
Live in a foreign country
Visit Transylvania
Witness something so beautiful it makes me cry
Write a novel
Own all the issues of the GrimJack comicbook series
Work in videogames
Work for BioWare
Inspire someone to change their life for the better
Fire a gun

Pending

Visit Antarctica
Visit Africa
Visit the Middle East
Visit South America
Learn Arabic
Visit North Korea
Visit Iran
Eat tiramisu in Rome
Really learn about wine, then drink an exceptionally good one in full appreciation
Publish a book
Spend a year traveling
Reach my ideal weight
Work on a farm
Work on a coffee grower’s farm in Ethiopia
Participate in international humanitarian work
Create a critically-acclaimed and successful original videogame
Own a café, bistrot, hostel or inn
Eat an animal I have killed myself
Save a human life
Reduce everything I own to what fits in a backpack
Jump from the cliff at Horseshoe Lake

Liberals BAD! Conservatives GOOD! CONSERVATIVES SMASH!!! Please vote fur me!

And then it invites you to “vote” on which candidate will address the one-sided issue they bring up, fold up the cheap photocopy, and mail it to Ottawa free of postage.

Which is why I did. Here’s what I wrote in it:

If you can’t make it out, I wrote: “Please stop wasting paper and taxpayer money to send me your cheap political rhetoric.” And in a very childish moment, I voted for everyone EXCEPT Harper. HAH! (Ok, I do realize that on an official ballot this would just annul my vote.)

Ok, so that ain’t much of a political statement. It just felt good upon receiving the fifth cheap pamphlet in a month.

They’re all obviously my evil clones. Here they are.

MIT Daniel Roy

Website: http://web.mit.edu/droy/www

Why he’s evil: He’s a Ph.D. student in Computer Science at MIT, dealing with the “intersection of computer science and probability”. If that doesn’t sound like the evil plot for the bad guy of the next Die Hard, I don’t know what is.

Further proof of evilness: 15-year cello player; uses a Dvorak keyboard; uses the word ‘skillz’ in his curriculum vitae

DanielRoy.com

Website: http://www.danielroy.com

Why he’s evil: He registered the domain name danielroy.com and puts a simple page with broken links on it. Obviously an AI trying to pass as a human being.

Further proof of evilness: Wrote Facebook applications; registered the domain name danielroy.com so I couldn’t get it; also has danielroy [at] gmail [dot] com.

Cajun Daniel Roy

Website: http://www.johnnycajun.com/daniel.htm

Why he’s evil: He plays mandolin in a Cajun band. I mean come on.

Further proof of evilness: Admits to having been created when somebody combined “extra firm tofu with Zycofax, and [added] half a cup of muddy water”. Oooook. Also, uses the words ‘overflowing cornucopia’ in his bio.

Emo Daniel Roy

Website: http://profile.myspace.com

Why he’s evil: He’s Emo. ’nuff said.

Further proof of evilness: Spells his name “DaNiEl RoY”; current occupation is “Shop Floor Assistant and Return Operator”.

Director Daniel Roy

Website: http://www.usw.ca/program/content/921.php

Why he’s evil: He’s the “District 5 Director”. That makes him, like, a villain in a SF dystopia.

Further proof of evilness: Was born in Sept-île, where I was also born.

Poet Daniel Roy

Website: http://roydaniel.com

Why he’s evil: He’s a poet; that makes him automatically mad. Has published 17(!!!) poetry anthologies in French, which makes him possibly the most well-known of my evil clones.

Further proof of evilness: His website is roydaniel.com, which sounds like Daniel Roy from the Mirror Universe; he is a certified highschool teacher.

***

There are many more Daniel Roys out there, but the evilness of these ones is overpowering. I’ll get back to you when I find a way to return them to their evil, parallel dimension. Here’s a partial list of Daniel Roys I haven’t covered:

The Daniel Roy Corporation
Musician Daniel Roy
Semi-Pro Hockey Player Daniel Roy
Cowboy Daniel Roy
Fisherman Daniel Roy
Norwegian Daniel Roy
Muscle Daniel Roy
Australian Emo Daniel Roy
Daniel Roy III (I guess he’s a Pope or something)

So many Daniel Roys, so little time…